by Melanie Yong
“You’re going to need a c-section.”
Those words elicited a slew of emotions that I was not expecting!
Rewind the clock 9 months: I was a nursing student doing my rotations in labor and delivery when “baby fever” hit me. Watching the miracle of birth over and over again made me want to experience it for myself. This desire was combined with the influence of my instructor who was a midwife and an avid proponent of ‘natural’ childbirth (ie., without pain medication). I was ready for the amazing experience!
While what I wanted was based on good intentions for my baby, unfortunately, natural childbirth became more than good intentions. It became like an idol to me. I founded my worth as a woman upon my ability to have my baby without pain medication. I know I’m not alone in my struggle to honor God in my thoughts about childbirth. For example, Gloria Furman recently described her own struggle to worship God as she battled her “childbirth idolatry” in this post on the Christianity Today women’s blog. And in Priya Samuel’s post “The Gospel in the Delivery Room” she spoke of wrestling with pain and how it can point us to our sin and our need of something outside of ourselves to save us, namely Christ.
Jesus and his mercy, however, didn’t cross my mind at all when I considered childbirth. Instead, I wanted to take on the pain and conquer it just to prove to myself and an invisible audience that I was strong enough to do it. I could give birth naturally. My self-reliant attitude was totally opposite to a heart that cries out to Jesus for mercy and grace.
Fast-forward back to the birth of my first child…
After a 20-some-hour labor without pain medication I decided on an epidural to try and conserve energy for actually pushing. When it came time to push, I pushed and baby was not coming out. The doctor even tried to suction him out. Eventually baby’s heart rate went down, and that’s when the news came: You’re going to need a c-section.
I was surprised by the flood of emotions that overcame me. I had to fight back tears as my dreams were dashed. I wasn’t crying because I was afraid of surgery. (As a nurse, surgery was actually quite fascinating to me.) My tearful frustration came because I had placed such hope in my ability to “birth naturally.” My pride was crushed.
Never mind that I was never in control to begin with! The human heart is funny that way. We think that with our good plans we actually have sovereign control over events. But God’s word says that only God holds the title of Sovereign:
Proverbs 16:9 “The heart of man plans his way, but the LORD establishes his steps.”
Childbirth gave me a window into my own heart. In my pride I was holding on so tightly to how I wanted things to happen that I had missed many opportunities to reflect on God’s kindness.
For one, I was given a great privilege of bearing a child and bringing life into this world.
- Childbirth is a gift I do not deserve! God has given us life in his Son Jesus Christ. Life and new life in Christ are more gifts I do not deserve.
- Through childbirth, in some small way I was given the gift of participating in the blessing of life itself. This is another gift I do not deserve.
Secondly, Scripture holds out so many truths that ought to correct my thinking of how I experience birth:
- God had not only formed my baby inside my womb, he had also created my body to labor in exactly the way He planned. Psalm 139 says “[God] formed my inward parts; [he] knitted me together in my mother’s womb… I am fearfully and wonderfully made.”
- Instead of putting so much worth on my birth experience, I should have, with Paul in Philippians 3, “glor[ied] in Christ Jesus and put no confidence in the flesh… indeed, I [should have] count[ed] everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord.”
- Through my disappointed plans, God was about the work of refining my faith. Romans 8:28 “And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.”
Back in the delivery room, my husband had to gently remind me that if a c-section would keep the baby safe, it really was a no-brainer. I, on the other hand, was so self-focused that I almost missed the abundant blessings that were right in front of me: God’s sure promises through Christ, an opportunity to praise my great God for his good gifts, a supportive husband, a baby, modern medicine. Life itself!
After the c-section there were lingering guilt-feelings that stemmed from my hurt pride. Was there something wrong with my body to not be able to birth my own child? Was I less of a woman? Had I missed something glorious?
But delighting in Christ, the creator and giver of life, frees me to hold my birth plans with a loose grip. His knowledge of me allows me to combat Satan’s lies that I am somehow less worthy because I can’t give birth naturally. His grace makes my heart overflow with gratitude that he is using life’s disappointments to make me more like himself.
Praise God for his kindness and grace!
ABOUT THE WRITER
Melanie is from California. She’s married to Jeremy, who is a pastor in the Golden State. Together they’re raising three photogenic children (Miah, Ellie and Bethan) with another on the way. Mel’s welcoming smile is indicative of her joyful hospitality. Mel is crazy about seafood, but she finds particular delight in meditating on God’s word as it applies to discipling her children.
{ 8 comments… read them below or add one }
such a timely post. i’m 37 weeks pregnant with our 4th baby, and i do find that i have to check myself about my attitude on natural childbirth with each pregnancy, and understand exactly why i find it so important. thanks for this great reminder!
Thank you for sharing your heart! I, too, was devastated when told I was going to have a c-section with my first. God had (and still has) a lot to work through in my pride. We’re anticipating our fourth in the weeks to come and this pregnancy (again) has been so different and unsure on many levels than my other three that again I find myself needing to rely on Him for assurance. What a gift pregnancy is!
Melanie! What a great post.
“Childbirth gave me a window into my own heart. In my pride I was holding on so tightly to how I wanted things to happen that I had missed many opportunities to reflect on God’s kindness.”
I was on the opposite end of the spectrum. I wanted nothing to do with natural childbirth. I will go to great lengths to avoid pain (physical or emotional) and getting an epidural was first on my to-do list after seeing the lines on the pregnancy test. After two positive epidural experiences, I was depending on the same grace for the third delivery. That specific grace, was not the one the Lord had chosen for this baby’s entry. I felt every moment and was completely unprepared.
And you know what, I was fine. The baby was fine. And God was much, much, much bigger in my eyes for delivering me despite my insufficiency. It’s amazing home much He has to reveal about the depths of our hearts and the riches of his grace, if we would only be willing to experience a little more pain – physical or spiritual.
Thanks for your vulnerability!
Melanie, thank you so much for this post! It resonated so much with me. I gave birth to my first in February and, like you, had planned on a natural birth. I ended up getting induced and getting an epidural, and to this day still wish I could have done it differently. But your post made me think, “Why?” Why am I still beating myself up over it and scheming for the next baby and how I’ll prove it to everyone that I can do it on my own! How self-centered is that! God showed me that I have been putting myself on such a pedestal – worshiping myself, really! – and making it all about me and what I can do, rather than focusing on the blessings that Christ has given me in Himself and in giving me the privilege of being a mom. Thank you so much for your Biblical rebuke to me! I needed it.
Thank you so much for this post! I was in the same boat – desperately wanting a natural childbirth and devastated to find that I would need a c-section. I feel like I was deprived of something great – that it was snatched from my hands (or womb in this case). I felt at the mercy of the medical team and totally out of control. But was I ever really in control to begin with? All along, God’s sovereign hand has been faithfully guiding me and our little boy. Pride has merely made me miserable and blinded me to God’s greatness, provision, and abundant blessings. Thanks for helping me move along this road to joy!
Thanks for sharing ladies! I’m thankful God speaks into ALL areas of our lives, including birth. I’m actually awaiting the scheduled c-section of our 4th in less than 3 weeks, so it is a timely reminder for me as well. Pray I rely on God, who is sovereign over life, and not on the ‘safe’, planned c-section. I pray the Spirit would continue to draw us to Christ through this topic!
Thanks for sharing Mel, after 3 c- sections I also went through some feelings of inadequacy, to the point where I felt I had to defend the decision of have c- sections. So strange the things we woman can get hung up on! Thanks for this reminder of keeping the central things central. Missing you!!
Melanie, I am glad you and your baby are doing well. I am curious though why you think you do not deserve the gift of childbirth? I would also like to gently mention that your doctors probably deserve most of the credit in this situation for a successful delivery. It saddens me when we want to put ourselves down so much and make it sound as if we are so unworthy. I wish I could see God’s hand clearly in your story or in “life” in general. Unfortunately, chances are that without modern medicine, your experience could have been very different for the worse.